At the beginning...

I began my internship here in Spain on Monday and it was hands down one of the most difficult days of my life. Any amount of confidence or composure I had mustered during the 45 minute trip there pretty much came to a screeching halt when I opened the front door to discover a waiting room overflowing with irritable and impatient clients. I quickly realized that it was a much larger operation than I had anticipated. But there was no turning back now. I pushed myself forward to the front desk and asked for the director. I was to wait in her "office" which was actually a large room with high ceilings and makeshift partitions creating several work spaces. She came flying into the office a few minutes later in a whirlwind of files and copies while talking rapidísimo on a cell phone. Despite the chaotic environment, she was calm and professional. She was very polite and asked if I'd like to work mornings or afternoons, and I answered that I was available whenever she needed me (although I was under the impression that I was supposed to work all day {?}). She told me to come back at 5pm that day and the another receptionist, Kris, would show me around. She was gone as quickly as she had arrived. And just like that, the interview was over. It lasted exactly 4 minutes. As I walked out, my jaw hung open and I suddenly remembered the dozen questions I had meant to ask.

During the 15 minute walk back to the Metro, my stomach ached as I realized that none of my nervousness about this internship had subsided. I still had no idea what I'd be doing, what my responsibilities would be, or even a general idea of what the nonprofit itself meant to accomplish. I tried to relax and tell myself that I would be able to ask all my questions when I returned later that evening. But then I kept replaying my entrance and my interview over and over in my head. When I first walked in, I had expected to see a handful of workers typing quietly at their desks. I had expected to by greeted by friendly faces; by people eager for my help. But instead, I was met by 30 pairs of eyes that immediately knew I was out of place and scared out of my mind. I had expected my future employer to tell me all about her business and my place in it. And then I assumed she´d ask me about myself and my previous work experience. I´d hoped she have a big smile and tell me how anxious she was to begin working together.

I´d been blindsided. I was totally unprepared for this kind of work and environment. I cried the whole way home.

I returned at 5 pm as my new boss, Maive, had asked. My hands shook as I reached for the front door and prepared myself for the crowd of angry faces that were waiting to stare me down all over again. I watched my feet and moved as quickly as I could to offices in the back. Kriss was there and she said it was time to get started. (Hombre y Tierra is open from 9:30am-1:30pm and then again at 5-8pm). As soon as we sat down on our side of the front desk, the entire waiting room rushed up for their turn. Everyone spoke at once, each claiming that they had arrived here first. Elbows were flying and for a moment I was pretty sure someone was going to start a fight. To make things worse, the only lawyer on duty during the evening shift (Maive) had to go to a doctors appointment so there would be no consultations until she returned. Of course, we didn´t know when she´d be back. This made our loud, angry crowd even louder and angrier. People shouted out questions and demands and Kriss did her best to answer them but I was frozen. I was terrified. And had no idea how to help these people. I knew any minute now they were going to tear me apart. I sat silently and watched Kriss work. Two hours later, Maive returned from the doctor. She began consultations right away, but when Kriss and I were leaving at 9pm, a dozen more clients remained. Kriss told me that Maive often stays until 11 pm or later. I was glad to be out of there.

As soon as we were outside, I asked Kriss if there were always so many clients to wait on. She said no, there were usually more than that. I couldn´t believe it. Kriss hadn´t had a moment to explain anything to me during our entire 4 hour shift. I felt just like I had after my interview, lost and confused and completely overwhelmed. Only now I was covered in sweat. There was no way I could return and do it again the next day. I pouted the whole way home. And then again when my roommate, Sarah, and my host mother, Mama Isa, asked me about it. They tried to assure me that it would get better, but I knew better. There was no way. I would never be ready to meet the stare of all those angry eyes. I´d never be willing to speak up and risk them laughing at my Spanish. I couldn´t go back...